‘The most complicated relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. We are our own greatest mystery, our own biggest challenge. Life isn’t a quest to find ourselves; it’s a quest to define ourselves.’

Before Us by Jewel E. Ann is the kind of book that you come across once in your lifetime, chock-full of emotion, goodness, love angst, and heartbreak in the mix such that you are never quite the same again after being run through the emotional wrangler. Told in the first person and first published in February of this year, the phenomenal Jewel E. Ann who continues to push the boundaries of the romance genre brings to readers the story of 33 year old Zachary Kendrick Hays (Zach) and 23 year old Emersyn Jane Clarke.

When the story begins, Emersyn is on the way to Zach to meet him for a job interview. Emersyn is homeless, suffers from a neurological disorder, has student loans and medical bills due, and has no health insurance. Emersyn’s dream from a young age has been to find the kind of love that fairy tales bring to us, the kind of love that makes you feel secure in the warm embrace of it, the kind of love she never had as she grew up with a single mother whose loyalty lay with feeding her addiction.

As Emersyn is hired as the cleaner for the Hays and meets Zach’s wife Suzanne who is terminally ill, the reason why Emersyn is hired in the first place so that Zach would get to have more time to spend with his wife as she counts down her last days, she becomes entwined in the lives of Zach and Suzanne, forging bonds that lasts a lifetime and more.

At the same time, Emersyn finds herself harboring a harmless crush on Zach, the man who looks at his wife like she is literally his everything. It certainly does not help when Emersyn is witness to that love, and Suzanne has no qualms about telling her all about Zach.

As the story progresses Ms. Ann as usual does not mince words when she lays down what it is like to lose a loved one to terminal illness, as you watch on helplessly unable to take away their suffering and pain which is the real tragedy. At times you forget that they are the ones actually undergoing the pain and facing imminent death because you feel that life is unfair to be taking away the best thing that ever happened to you.

One might believe that seeing your loved one suffer so much and knowing that death was close by would soften the blow of the departure. But as Ms. Ann so evocatively puts it, that is not the case for Zach when Suzanne finally leaves this world, finally free of the pain that destroys her so. It is not just that easy to switch gears and move on, especially when one loves so deeply.

As Zach tries to pick up the pieces of his life, he does the one thing that Emersyn least expects him to. Proposes a marriage in name only as a temporary arrangement to help her in a way that is meaningful. Zach does not question what he is doing, because in his heart he certainly believes that in all likelihood he would never love again.

For Emersyn, to be married to Zach should have been her lifelong dream come true. How Ms. Ann explores the pain of unrequited love through the next couple of chapters was outstanding because through it all, she shows us how two people who have been broken in different ways could come to love one another. For Emersyn, loving Zach was a foregone conclusion from the moment she steps inside his home, but for Zach, it is not such a straightforward equation to navigate.

Even as Zach provides Emersyn with the freedom to spread her wings and fly, to pursue her dreams of traveling the world as a photographer and as he starts to realize the depth of his feelings for Emersyn, it is the guilt that tears him apart and makes him act in ways that added the angst factor to the novel exponentially. The ending of this story was everything and more, and the epilogue definitely made up for the heartache and pain the story delivered in leaps and bounds.

As is the norm with novels penned by Ms. Ann, this is a story that made me think deeply about life, love, and especially the departure of loved ones. The story brought out all my fears of losing my loved ones in this life, even when my rationale mind knows that death is the one common destination that we all share. I seriously do not know how I will survive through it or whether I will survive, but there is always strength to be had from observing those who handle the same situation with such grace and dignity when they too must be breaking apart on the inside.

I ofttimes had a hard time understanding Zach but in hindsight I believe that if the story had gone any other way than in the direction Ms. Ann steered Zach and Emersyn, it’s profoundness would not have been as shattering an experience. I believe that Zach needed the clarity of his emotions to be able to love Emersyn as she should be; without reservation, hesitation, and wholeheartedly.

I loved, loved, loved Emersyn. She was EVERYTHING in this novel. Endearing, with a sense of humor that is snarky, a bit dark, but nevertheless makes you smile from ear to ear. I believe as the reader, I experienced just the same love that Suzanne and Zach felt for Emersyn – she is love and light and leaves a lasting impression on everyone she meets. She is also the definition of selflessness and I rooted for her big time when she finally stood up for herself and laid it out on Zach for the abominable way that he neglects her, not out of spite or anger, but because Zach believes it is the best thing that he could give her.

The sexual tension between Zach and Emersyn breathes new life to this story, and the delivery on that aspect was top-notch as well. Zach was undoubtedly a good man, the kind of man I don’t think truly exists in this world. Perhaps someone like Emersyn who has yearned for love of the kind Zach showers on his wife did not have a chance when it came to falling for him. Zach is handsome, sexy, warm hearted, and is comfortable in his own skin in a way that increases his appeal factor exponentially. Even as he brings on the heartache and lays it on thick, one cannot help but be drawn to who he is, especially viewed through the eyes of Emersyn.

This is a story that every romance reader needs to experience. Novels like this don’t happen along often, and when they do, you just have to grab on and let yourself enjoy the wildness of the ride.

Final Verdict: Before Us is the kind of extraordinary tale that Jewel E. Ann is synonymous with, ravaging the reader in the process and making you cry your heart out in the aftermath.

Favorite Quotes

He turns on the lights in the main bathroom, and I step inside, taking mental notes of what needs to be cleaned. Large tile shower. Soaker tub. Two sinks. Vanity with backlit mirror.
Next to the vanity, there’s a huge jar filled with flat rocks. Each rock has writing on it.
“She’s always called me her rock,” Zach says, drawing my attention away from the jar and back to him. He leans his shoulder against the doorway. “After she was diagnosed, I started collecting rocks. Every morning, I wake up early and write something I love about her on the rock.” He shrugs. Extra color floods his cheeks, and he glances away for a second. “Every day, I give her a rock, so she knows there are an infinite number of things I love about her, and all of those little things are what gives me strength.”
“That’s …” I’m not sure of the right word.
“Pathetic?” He chuckles.
“No. I was going to say romantic, but that’s not the right word either.”
“Cheesy?”
I laugh, inching my head side to side a few times. “Definitely not that. Endearing, and it’s … yeah. Endearing.”

On another dreamy sigh, she continues, “It’s hard to explain how losing my breasts crushed me, not because clothes would never fit right again. Not because I worried about people noticing. No … it was knowing that a part of me, which brought Zach so much pleasure, was gone—like cancer stole a piece of our intimacy. Not that he’s ever looked at me with anything but complete love and desire. It’s different than other cancers that leave internal scars but stay hidden in places we can’t see. Nope. We can’t be intimate and not see—not feel—it in the most physical way.
“I worried so much about him. I worried he would miss my breasts and feel wrong about ever admitting it. Then one day, I was looking in our bathroom mirror after a shower, and I said, ‘I miss my breasts.’ He glanced up while buttoning his jeans, and he replied, ‘I do too, but not as much as I’d miss you.’ And oh my god … I nearly died. I didn’t expect him to admit it. But the fact that he did—that he was honest with me—then followed it up with that last part …” She shakes her head again, tears in her eyes. “I fell in love with him harder than I did the first time.”

Acting as confident as I can (which isn’t much since he knows my secret and the disgusting odor from that secret is wafting out of the back of my car), I take a deep breath and blow it out my nose. “I’ve been a little lost. And since Suzie befriended me, I’ve felt a little found. You hired me to clean your house, and I fear I don’t do that as well as I should do it. I think you’re happy that I can sometimes be with Suzie when you’re not here, but when you are here … I feel like an intruder because …”
Zach cocks his head to the side. “Because?”
Nibbling at my lower lip, I shrug. “Because there’s this intense intimacy between the two of you. The second you walk into the same room as Suzie and me, I instantly feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
He frowns. “My wife is dying. That’s not …” Zach’s head inches side to side.
“It’s intimate. It’s personal and private. I don’t think I really know what that’s like, but I do know that when you walk into the room and she looks at you … the earth turns a little slower on its axis. All these unspoken words seem to hang heavily in the air. I can barely breathe when I’m in the same room with the two of you.”

“Zach?”
He lifts his head. “Yeah?”
“You’re a good man.”
After a few beats, he gives me a tiny smile.
So handsome.
So unexpectedly kind.
So … broken.
If one’s soul can leave its body before death, I’m certain Zach’s soul is slowly slipping away, chasing Suzie’s fading existence in this world. I can’t imagine what that kind of love would feel like.

“You may kiss your bride.”
Oh shit …
We didn’t make a decision on this. He asked. I started to reply. The judge called us in here. And now … we have to decide. I give a quick glance to the judge. She appears rather pleased and happy for us. We must look like an adorable, although fraudulent, couple. Forgoing the kiss will be a red flag. I feel it.
Inching forward a tiny step, I look up at Zach and rub my glossed lips together while gulping to keep my fear in check. He reads my silent acceptance and ducks his head until his lips are nearly touching mine. A breath of hesitation exists, even if the judge doesn’t see it. I think, maybe I hope, he’s taking this fraction of a second to get permission from Suzie or maybe to just remind himself it’s only an act—a means to something greater. A humanitarian act if you will.
The kiss is short and soft, but long enough for everything in my head to spin until I forget what we’re doing. My hand rests on his chest to keep me balanced, but he ends the kiss and grabs my hand, bringing it to my side and giving it a gentle, platonic squeeze.
It says we are friends. I care about you as a friend. Here is your health insurance, but you don’t need to know the outline of my chest.

Sitting up straighter, I pull my legs toward me, hugging them to my chest like a shield. “Want to know what makes a man really sexy?”
His cheeks turn a little pink, bleeding vulnerability. I love his vulnerable side. I fell in love with it first.
I stare at the end of the bed because I know every single feeling I have for Zach is in my eyes, impossible to hide from him or anyone else. “Kindness.” Risking a glance up for less than a second, I peek at his reaction—clearly not what he expected me to say. Tucking my chin again, I blow out a slow breath. “Not kindness toward me, although you’ve been that times infinity. It was how you treated Suzie. Everything you did for her. The way you took care of her. The way you looked at her. The love. The kindness. It’s like watching a movie where a character, whom you don’t necessarily fall for right away, wins your heart because of their … well, their character. Everything that’s inside. Everything that’s not a physical trait, social standing, or the balance of a bank account. It’s just … him. He’s a good human being. You’re a good human being, Zach. And I find that incredibly sexy. So some days it’s hard to look at you, knowing you’re my husband, but … not that kind of husband, when I’ve spent so much of my life dreaming of the idea of you.”
When he doesn’t respond for so long it starts to get even more awkward, I glance up at him again. His unreadable expression.
“You think the idea of me is … is…” he fumbles his words, eyes slightly narrowed like he’s having trouble finding the right ones “…appealing. You hope that one day you’ll find a man who loves you the way I loved Suzanne. Not really me. Just someone like me.”

We move with a manic desperation, like his whole body would crawl inside mine if it could. The slapping of skin, the sharp breaths and intoxicated moans … the deafening pounding of my heart. I dig one heel into his glute and the other heel into the back of his leg as if I can hold him to me forever.
Mine.
My Zach.
My husband.
Instead of drowning in guilt when I lose control of my body, surrendering every last ounce of pleasure to him, I let my vision blur with slow, heavy blinks while melting into a bliss unlike anything I have ever felt.

“Emersyn …” His hands fall to my hips, gripping me hard while burying his face into my neck.
I grind into him several more times until my back arches, until he jerks his hips while repeating my name like he’s praying, pleading, begging …
Emersyn … Emersyn … Em-er-synnn …
We still.
There’s no space between us for reality to slide in and ruin the moment. I won’t regret this. I can’t.
He kisses my neck while one hand returns to my breast, lightly cupping it, his thumb tracing my nipple.
It’s gentle.
It’s intimate.
It’s a little heartbreaking.

“What’s the time limit?” he asks.
I glance over my shoulder just before reaching the sofa. He finishes his beer and sets the bottle on the counter then makes his way into the living room.
“Time limit on what?” I ask, plopping onto the cushion.
“How long do I have to wait before I can touch you?” He drags his teeth over his lower lip while eyeing me from head to toe. “Because I miss you.”
“You miss me?” I whisper, and my skin tingles everywhere. Even my eyes burn with emotion. Holding my breath for five … long … months has been too long.

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